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“We’re having hot dogs, potato chips, and beer. Not because it’s traditional; it’s because we’re sick of 250 days of salad!”
“I never said inground; I said on the ground.”
“WE DON’T PLAY PICKLEBALL. WE DON’T GO TO THE CLUBHOUSE. WE DON’T GO TO THE POOL. WHO SAYS I NEED TO BE AN ACTIVE ADULT?”
“I’ve got cottage cheese thighs and a lawn that looks like shredded wheat. That’s how I am.”
“Every day I have an exercise goal. Today, it’s walking to the bakery to buy Dot Cakes.”
“Today’s horoscope says you’re not interested in money or materialism. My horoscope says the more you buy, the more you save. We’re aligned with the universe.”
“Boob sweat, dry cracked feet, melting make-up, ingrown hairs…. I love summer.”
“Where are the pickles? What time did you put the chicken on? Why didn’t you buy Hawaiian rolls? Who’s bringing seltzer?”
“I’m not grumpy. I’m taking a break from being positive all the time.”
“My annual habit of overspending on plants I will improperly water and care for.”
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